Writings

Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: Trapped with Cheese
Type of Work: fan fic script
Source: CMv1 #26

(out side of South Park. A bunch of men are toying with a large machine)

Guy1: Here, Merv, help me move this thing

Guy2: Sure, Joe

(Guys hoist machine, mountain makes a rumbling sound and snow falls down, surrounding

South Park)

Guy1: Boy this is gonna be great.

Guy3: yeah, no more stupid mountain town to ruin our country!

=== === === === ===

(Cafeteria)

Kids: Hey Chef!

Chef: Hi children!

Cartman: What are we having today Chef?

Chef: Ham and cheese sandwiches.

Kyle: AGAIN?

Chef: I'm sorry Kyle, but that's all we have left over. The avalanche has stopped anyone

from bringing us supplies.

Kyle: Well, looks like I go hungry again.

Chef: I can take the cheese off if you want.

(Kyle lifts his arms in the air exasperatedly, then walks off)

(At table)

Stan: Dude, these sandwiches must be like a month old!

Cartman: Weak!

Kyle: I don't see what you guys are complaining about. I have to watch you eat these

moldy ham and cheese sandwiches every day, then go home, only to find that we're

running out of food. It sucks and now my parents have to go out asking people if they

have anything kosher, because we've ran out. Hell, pretty soon we're going to sink so low

that my family will come and eat the ham and cheese sandwiches here! Money doesn't help

when there is no food!

Stan: Dude calm down!

Kyle: (now ranting) We're probably going to spend our last days sitting at home, starving,

EATING NOTHING BUT WATER AND KOSHER SALT!!!!!!

Kenny: {f**k dude!}

Cartman: Woah, looks like someone had too much gafaga last night!

Kyle: Shut up you fat piece of s**t! You don't even know what the hell that means! F**k

you!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: DIE CARTMAN!

Cartman: Oh yeah? Without me, you'd be dead!

Kyle: Without me, YOU'D be dead!

Cartman: GODDAMNIT! I was hoping you didn't remember.

(Kyle grabs Cartman's chair out from under him and whaps him with it. Cartman dives on

Kyle.)

Cartman: You son of a bitch!

Kyle: Try and kill me fatty.

(They fight on the ground for a while)

Stan: You guys cut it out!

Kyle: Shut the f**k up Stan! You know what? I can't take this anymore! I'm outta here!

(Leaves the lunchroom)

Chef: Hello. Say, what happened to Kyle?

Stan: He ditched school again. What's his problem, anyway?

(Kyle's parents in Mr. Mackey's office)

Sheila: How many times is this? Three? Five?

Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Broflovski, your son has ditched school a total of six times in three

weeks. Mmkay?

Gerald: Kyle is going to be in big trouble when he gets home!

Mr. Mackey: Mmmkay that's not the reason I called you in here. The reason I called you

here was to find out why. Why would Kyle ditch school?

Gerald: How should we know?

Mr. Mackey: Is there any problems in the home?

=== === === === ===

(Kyle's at home in the garage, holding a rifle)

Kyle: No, this won't do.

=== === === === ===

(Back in class)

Ms. Choksondick: Now class, we're going to- where's Kyle?

Stan: I don't know.

Ms. Choksondick: Did he ditch school again?

Stan: Uh-

Cartman: Yes.

Stan: Cartman!

Kenny: {what a loser!}

Stan: Shut up Kenny!

Ms. Choksondick: (sighs) Well there's another detention.

Cartman: He doesn't go to those either.

Ms. Choksondick: Eric be quiet!

=== === === === ===

(Kyle is at Jimbo's guns, holding a much bigger gun)

Jimbo: Are you sure you want that one? I mean how big is this deer you want to kill?

Kyle: Uh, the biggest one I'VE ever seen.

Jimbo: Well then here you go. That will be 700 dollars.

Kyle: Put it on my dad's credit card.

(Hmmm I'm lost. I forget what happened next. Oh, outside in town square)

Mayor: We're not going to let this avalanche get us down! We'll show them we have the

spirit to get us through it! So gather round everyone, we're going to play football!

(Cheers and some groans. Kyle goes back to school carrying the gun. Runs into the

classroom)

Kyle: Nobody move!

Ms. Choksondick: Oh no.

Kenny: {holy shit}

Kyle: I want everybody to move slowly and quietly to the cafeteria, and no one will get

hurt. Hopefully.

(They leave, and go to the cafeteria. Kyle locks them in and leaves. He goes and crowds

the rest of the school into the cafeteria)

Mr. Garrison: Oh, Jesus, not again, Kyle!

(After everyone is rounded up, Kyle goes over to Stan)

Kyle: Get up.

(Stan gets up. Good choice. Never trust a fecalpheliac with a gun. Including me.)

Kyle: Go back to the classroom.

(They go back to the classroom.)

Stan: Kyle-

(Kyle closes and locks the door.)

Stan: Maybe it's time this town allows classrooms to unlock from the inside.

(Up on top of the avalanche)

Guy6: Are they dead yet?

Guy3: No they're… playing football?

Guy6: Damn.

(Kyle is pacing the cafeteria)

Kyle: It's always, take care of your brother. Do your homework. There is no such thing

as Mr. Hankey. WELL MR. HANKEY THIS! (Kyle shoots a person)

(Kenny tries to dig a hole in the wall. Kyle turns to Mr. Garrison)

Kyle: No Kyle, you go to Hell. You go to Hell and die. Mr. Hat's mad at you Kyle! Mr.

Hat hates you KYLE! HAVA NAGILA MR. HAT! (BOOM! Kyle shoots Mr. Hat)

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! No!

=== === === === ===

(Stan is watching the news on the TV.)

Announcer: The school is holding their 7th annual Cow safety assembly, and the police are

looking for the usual pranks. We think we know this year! We have been notified that

someone is drilling a hole in the wall! We don't know exactly where it is, but police are on

the lookout…

Stan: Sh*t.

(Cafeteria)

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat was sorry for the torture he bestowed upon you, Kyle! But no! You

had to wound him worse than he had you!

Kyle: This is between me and the Hat.

(Kenny finishes the hole and slips through. Kyle follows him. A couple of men come and

patch the hole up.)

Man1: Well that should do it.

(Kyle's parents are out looking for Kyle)

Sheila: This has gone far enough! I swear I will kill him!

Gerald: We will make him watch Barney.

(Kenny is running across the football field where there is a game going on, screaming. Kyle

is following)

Kyle: Oh my God! I killed Kenny!

(Shoots Kenny, then kicks his head over goal)

Kyle: You Bastard!

(Kyle runs off. Kyle parents come to the scene. Kyle's mom picks up Kenny's head and

waves it around, with blood and rats splattering everywhere, mmm)

Sheila: See what this avalanche has brought upon our children? Death!

Gerald: Maybe Kyle shouldn't have had so much gafahga last night.

=== === === === ===

(Kyle goes back to the school, into the classroom where Stan is. Aims.)

Stan: Dude, what the Hell has gotten into you?!?!

(Kyle stands there, gun aimed)

Stan: Kyle?

(Kyle pulls the trigger and-

Sheila (muffled): Kyle, where are you? You are in big trouble young man!

Kyle: Aw crap.

(Sheila comes into the room)

Sheila: We're going home bubbie.

Kyle: Yes ma'am.

(At Kyle's house. His parents have locked him into the room)

Kyle: I don't wanna.

Gerald: YOU WILL WATCH IT!

Kyle: I DON'T WANNA WATCH BARNEY!

Gerald: TOO BAD, THAT'S ALL YOU WILL SEE FOR A WHILE!

(Slams door)

Kyle: Damnit!

(Looks at window)

Kyle: hmmm…

(Ike comes bounding into the room)

Kyle: Go away Ike. Guns aren't safe.

Ike: Funkatoder.

Kyle: Ike, I said go away! I ca't shoot people with you jumping around like this.

(Meanwhile Jimbo and Ned are out looking for Kyle's "deer".)

Ned: mmmwhat about that?

Jimbo: No, that's not big enough.

Ned: mmwhy don't we just let the kid find it?

Jimbo: I'm not about to be outdone by a little 9 year old!

(Kyle's house. Sheila is talking on the phone)

Sheila: Yes Sharon, I sent a letter telling them to- of course! I'm about to watch it

right now! Come on over!

(Top of avalanche)

Guy3: Well a few of them are dead, but it's not from starvation.

Guy5: It looks like they're- killing.

Guy7: Stupid Bastards! DIE!

(Kyle's house. Sharon & Sheila are watching Terrance and Philip. For a reason of course!)

Terrence: Philip, I feel a fart coming on! Ffffrt! A ha haaa! There it goes!

Philip: I don't see anything funny aboot a fart Terrance!

Sheila: They did it!

(Suddenly Kyle comes on the screen and shoots at Terrance and Philip.)

Kyle: DIE CANADIAN SCUM!

Sheila (pauses for a moment): Oh, Gerald, our little boy was on TV!

(Lindsey expresses her disgust that this line has already been used in an episode, and

thereby would be redundant to be in a fanfic)

(Kyle goes to the base of the avalanche where some of the guys are)

Kyle: Who the Hell are you people?

Guy4: Uh, we're here to… get you out of the avalanche!

(Kyle starts hitting the snow w/ the butt of his gun)

Guy2: Don't do that!

Kyle: Why not?

Guy2: This is a ...uh…delicate process!

(Stan comes)

Stan: Dude what are you doing?

Kyle: I'm leaving here!

Stan: Where are you going?

Kyle: I'm GOING to San Francisco!

Stan…oh.

(Jimbo & Ned are still hunting)

Jimbo: NED! There it is!

(It's the machine holding the avalanche still)

Jimbo: Ned, will you do the honors?

Ned: mmmit's coming right for us!

(Shoots machine. Avalanche flats out.)

Guy1: DAMN! THEY DID IT AGAIN!

Stan: Hooray!

(Kyle starts walking out of the town)

Stan: Kyle wait!

Kyle: What?

Stan: I've learned something today!

Kyle: Oh what now?

Stan: I've learned… er… that killing people sucks major ass. You get in major trouble, and

then you wish you hadn't. But they are dead.

Kyle: What does that have to do with anything?

Stan: Well then, what have I learned?

Kyle: You have learned that people shouldn't give guns to children! Did you know that

much of the average killings and death by guns are from children and teenagers handling

weapons at their own risk? And who knows what type of wierdos are out there, ready to

shoot you! Killing isn't a way to get rid of depression!

Stan: Yeah that'll do it.

Kyle: So I'm going to use this gun do get rid of depressiveness a different way!

Stan: How?

Kyle: Hunting!

(leaves)

Jimbo: What a neat kid.

Guy4: And I learned something to! I learned that your town still sucks, even though we

couldn't kill it! Goodbye!

(During credits. In hospital, Mr. Garrison is holding Mr. Hat while in a hospital bed)

Sheila (to Kyle): Well?

Kyle: I don't wanna!

Sheila: Apologize to Mr. Hat!

Kyle: No!

Sheila: APOLOGIZE!

Kyle: Okay, okay! I'm sorry Mr. Hat.

Sheila: Very good.