Writings

Author: Lindsey Phillips
Title: The Scorpion King: The Abridged Script
Type of Work: parody script
Source: CMv1 #15

FADE IN:

EXT. A MOUNTAIN IN ANY GIVEN PLACE

A GENERIC MALE is walking.

AUDIENCE:
This guy is going to die, right?

GENERIC MALE:
Yep.

GENERIC MALE has his head sawed off.

INT. INSIDE THE MOUNTAIN, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

A BUNCH OF DRUNKARDS are beating the crap out of AN UGLY GUY.

DRUNKARDS:
Dude!

UGLY GUY:
Dude, stop it! I'm telling my brother!

DRUNKARDS tie this person to a pole. Suddenly, THE ROCK falls through the ceiling.

THE ROCK:
Boo.

THE ROCK chuckles at his own joke, as the AUDIENCE screams as they realized what
they're watching. THE DRUNKARDS scream along with him, and run away for some
reason.

THE ROCK:
Hi. I'm the main character. Looks at my muscular body. I hope you can't get enough of
it, because it's all you're going to see throughout this damn thing. Looks at how the light
reflects off of my smooth skin. Am I SCARY?!

UGLY GUY:
No. Go away.

THE ROCK cracks several jokes that would have been funny 50 years ago, and the
AUDIENCE continues the writhe in agony.

EXT. A place in the desert

OLD PERSON:
My evil son, we must get rid of The Evil Villain.

EVIL SON:
But daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddyyyyyyy, I wanna JOIN him.

OLD PERSON:
Shut up. I have to reveal my plans to you. I've hired some Arcade-Ians to kill his Male
Sorcerer who is a guy.

EVIL SON:
Arcade-Ian? That's so lame.

THE ROCK:
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, I'm smart.

EVIL SON:
Hello! You're the main character in this movie! How stupid can you get?

THE ROCK:
I promise you, as long as ONE OF US THREE WHO HAPPEN TO BE STANDING HERE,
MOST LIKELY THE ONE IN FRONT DOING ALL THE TALKING is still living, we'll kill
his Male Sorcerer who is a guy.

LINDSEY takes a sledgehammer and tosses it at the screen, begging the theater to turn
the movie off so that she can watch LORD OF THE RINGS for the 9th time

OLD GUY:
All right, here's all the money we have.

EVIL SON:
Great. Now we're going to starve because you gave him all our money. Screw this!

EXT. OUSIDE OF EVIL VILLAIN'S CAMP.

EVERYONE fights, and THE ROCK'S two amigos die.

THE ROCK:
Damnit! I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever saw this coming! I guess I'll have to
carry this movie by myself, then.

LINDSEY:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

EVIL VILLAIN:
Hahaha, I have you now, The Rock! Watch while I make ants eat your head!

A DRUNK GUY staggers next to THE ROCK

DRUNK GUY:
Hello. I am the comic relief. The ONLY comic relief. I get drunk, and it's funny.

THE ROCK:
You're stupid.

DRUNK GUY:
And funny.

THE ROCK:
And stupid.

THE AUDIENCE:
YOU'RE BOTH STUPID, AND NEITHER ARE FUNNY! GOD, WHO WROTE THIS?

EVIL VILLAIN:
Hahaha! The drunk guy is funny, so I'll let you go!

EXT. EVIL VILLAIN'S city.

LITTLE KID:
Hello. I'm a little kid, which makes me a troublemaker. I steal your money.

THE ROCK:
No.

LITTLE KID:
Haven't you ever taken a self-defense class? You're supposed to LET robbers take your
things.

THE ROCK:
Show me where the Evil Villain and his Male Sorcerer who is a guy live, or I'll defy the
NON-EXISTENT IN THIS TIME PERIOD child-abuse laws.

LITTLE KID:
Okay, whatever.

LITTLE KID leads THE ROCK to a courtyard, where EVIL VILLAIN risks death in many
fashions.

THE ROCK:
Why, he's a puny little worm! My muscles are bigger than his head!

EVIL VILLAIN:
I'll chop off this little kid's hand, because he's a little kid, and therefore a thief.

THE ROCK:
Oh crap! A moral dilemma! What shall I do?
THE ROCK makes the wrong choice by making the movie longer than it has any right to
be.

LITTLE KID:
Yay! I'll go back to your Drunk sidekick and laugh for a while.

THE ROCK runs into a room, and lo and behold, a BRITISH GUY!

BRITISH GUY:
Hello, my jolly good chap. It's simply splendid you could drop in for a tad. Care for a
spot of tea and crumpets?

THE ROCK:
Wha…? Okay, this is wrong.

BRITISH GUY blows up random things, because he's a scientist or something, even though
there WERE NO BRITISH PEOPLE IN THAT PLACE IN THAT TIME PERIOD, THERE
WERE NO BRITISH ACCENTS, THERE WAS NO SCIENCE, AND A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL
CAN FIGURE THAT OUT AND THESE ABOMINABLE WRITERS CAAAAAAN'T!
RRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

THE ROCK:
I have to go find the Male Sorcerer who is a guy.

BRITISH GUY:
Eh? Well, have a spanking good time. Those bloody people have locked me in here. I have
to disappear and reappear later, so tally-ho!

THE ROCK ends up in a room.

SORCERESS:
Hahahaha! I'm not a guy! I'm a female! Fall in love with me!

THE ROCK:
Oh. My. God. S.

EVIL VILLAIN:
I've caught you, The Rock!

SORCERESS:
No! He's supposed to fall in looooooove with me!

EVIL VILLAIN:
No, I'M supposed to marry you!

SORCERESS:
Blegh! You're too puny! And you're white. What's up with all these British people? I'm
from Japan!

THE ROCK strips her of her clothes, grabs her, and dives into a toilet. He comes up in a
drinking fountain.

THE ROCK:
Hi, I came from a toilet.

THE PEASANTS spit out the water they'd been drinking.

EXT. THE DESERT

Things happen.

THE ROCK:
Ugh! I've been poisoned! Save me, Male Sorcerer who's a guy!

SORCERESS:
Damn, your muscles are too seductive!

SORCERESS does something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

THE ROCK:
I love you, now.

SORCERESS:
Yay! Let's go find a tribe.

THE ROCK:
Okay.

They find a tribe, and things. Then they go back.

EVIL VILLAIN:
Sorceress! You've lost your powers! You must have… ahem with the Rock.

LINDSEY:
RRGH! AM I THE ONLY INSANE PERSON ON THIS SPACE SHIP? IT'S, "LIE WITH
ANOTHER" YOU DUMB SHIT! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WROTE THIS GOD
FORSAKEN JUNK?

THE ROCK:
I've got you now, evil villain!

THE ROCK kills EVIL VILLAIN THE DRUNK GUY, LITTLE KID, SORCERESS, and BRITISH GUY cheer.

THE ROCK:
Now we can live in harmony. Until I sell my soul to the devil, that is.

FINALLY! The end.